By Suetonius
Gaius Julius Caesar, Afterwards Deified
The event occurred, as I recall, when Caesar governed Rome – Caesar, not Marcus Bibulus, who kept his seat at home.
Is crime consonant with nobility? / Then noblest is the crime of tyranny / In all things else obey the laws of Heaven.
CAME, SAW, CONQUERED! *This three letter inscription on a wagon at Caesar’s triumph reflects the speed with which the war in Gaul was won.
The riches of Bithyana’s King / Who Caesar on his couch abused.
Gaul was brought to shame by Caesar; / By King Nicomedes, he. / Here comes Caesar, wreathed in triumph / For his Gallic victory! / Nicomedes wears no laurels, / Though the greatest of the three.
Home we bring our bald whoremonger; / Romans, lock your wives away! / All the bags of gold you lent him / Went his Gallic tarts to pay.
Caesar led the Gauls in triumph, / Led them uphill, led them down, / To the Senate House he took them, / Once the glory of our town. / ‘Pull those breeches off,’ he shouted, / ‘Change into a purple gown!’
‘Brutus was elected Counsul / When he sent the kings away; / Caesar sent the Consuls packing, / Caesar is our King to-day.’
What, did I save these men that they might murder me?
Augustus, Afterwards Deified
‘When glorious Rome had founded been, by augury august.’
‘Behold them, conquerors of the world, all dressed in Roman gowns!’
‘O just and generous Lord!’
‘Ah, never to have married, and childless to have died!’
‘Look, how this invert’s finger beats the drum!’
‘Those rogues engaged the services / Of a stage manager; / So Mallia found six goddesses / And six gods facing her! // Apollo’s part was lewdly played / By impious Caesar; he / Made merry at a table laid / for gross debauchery. // Such scandalous proceedings shocked / The Olympians. One by one / They quit and Jove, his thunders mocked, / Vacates the golden throne.’
‘I do not take my father’s line; / His trade was silver coin, but mine / Corinthian vases -‘
‘He took a beating twice at sea, / And threw two fleets away. / So now to achieve one victory / He tosses dice all day.’
‘I see the Founder’s tomb ablaze with fire … ‘
‘With torches, look, they honour Masgaba!’
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